i wish my penis had a tongue
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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