she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
