You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
