I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
