Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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