I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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