what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
