drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
