I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
