Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
