My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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