Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
PANTIES FOUND
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
