i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize