____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
