The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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