she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
