Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
