Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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