You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
