idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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