Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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