I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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