just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
