My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
