Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
