I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Randomize
