when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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