Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
