My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
