Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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