If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
