I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
