I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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