I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Everyone says I win the strip club
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
