in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
