I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Im part way to drunk.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
