Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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