I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
