I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
