omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
i barfeds in our rink
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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