I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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