you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
