I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
