He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
