so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You took a bar mat shot.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
