woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
