why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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