Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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