and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
