Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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