Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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