the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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